Remind me again why i did this in the first place.

I do miss those school days so.

(Even command school maybe.)

Life on the Slow Lane

Life so far has just been so. These days i'm beginning to realize what people really mean when they say that life just becomes duller everyday. Every waking moment is spent soley to earn some amount of he worth for the next day. And we are dragging ourselves forward, in a paper-chase, pencil pushing, rat race without end. I guess this form of meaningless existence is starting to dawn upon me like the dreaded nightmare from yesterday's future. And i feel like a slave to my own existence, that eternal wretched hole of frothing and dark malice.

Anyway, aside from those feelings of pure grinding boredom, looking back at my previous posts make me feel like i have really changed in some ways. It seems amusing how shallow and foolish i used to be back then. And it's not that i'm very much wiser, but a certain sense of change really does fill my heart and mind. I don't know if i should be embarassed about this, but then again, i'm willing to leave the graves of my past in the ground, and not let it affect my present state or emotion. All i'd like to leave behind is that trace of memory, not a fortituous impression on my current presence, but just a vision in my mind like a faded dream.

Regarding the matter of utmost concern, that which has thrown me into a moral quandary, i have yet to break its stranglehold. And it could only get worse. But i guess impunity doesn't last forever. Really, really i need to change. Even though it would mean forgoing my greatest passions in life.

I also need some real directions. I feel that everything i am is a waste. I know that there ought to be more i can get out of all this. I don't think i should care so much anymore, especially how other people view me. What am I, really? I guess i don't really understand happiness, although i think it's what i pursue.

Leadership is a funny thing. It makes you so tired even if you haven't exercised at all. It makes you feel like taking out your anger on people who disgust you when they rub you the wrong way. You want to teach discipline and see more effort put in when subordinates refuse to show enthusiasm or spirit. Sometimes the easiest and most efficient way to lead is almost through fear. But how to instill fear to a group of different individuals, each with a different breaking point. How to tame the deserving individuals who hide amongst the blurry collective. How to treat everyone equally when all are unequal.

How funny you used to be the one standing amongst the collective soaking up the flames. And now you are the fire, but you still can't seem to understand the collective.

I feel tired. I feel busy. I may not be busy, and hence i may not be tired. But i feel tired. And hence i probably am busy.

I find myself succumbing to laziness these days, and there's a lack of motivation to come and write, or blog about my silly little world, even though its everything i have. In many ways i've lost sight of my former goal, those which i held on so tightly onto - i don't know where they are gone any more. Yes i have achieved, but looking back, Schopenhauer was right; satisfaction is perhaps the greatest illusion of all. Yes i envisaged the joy of achievement. But again i was too blurry-eyed to see the weight of suffering attached to every crown. Now i have recieved my trophy, i climb up the next rung in the ladder. Sometimes it gets more suffocating than i think i can take. Maybe i hate my life even more right now. Maybe every day is now a baptism of fire. Because everyday is painful enough to go through, i only pray i gain even more at this end. And yes, there is hope that everything comes to an end. Nothing is forever, and that is how everything should be. I know that for some people Neverland is a dungeon of personal demons. No coincidence i'm struggling to get out. Or maybe i'm struggling to understand if I'm out or not. Here i am staring at the lights above, but it doesn't help i'm confused whether its sunlight i'm looking at, or a window in a cell, the opening in a well. After all, my sky is on fire. Do i even make sense? I don't know how its like to grow up. I've seen the signs and i've felt the thrills. But yet i never feel i've become. What is this elusive ghost of age and understanding of life? It makes me despise personal relationships, because very often they reveal our inner weaknesses, and shows to others what we wish to hide. We want respect, we crave it, to be recognized and given due freedom, and so we fear our childish tendencies. But we want happiness, yet we shun our ignorance. Do we ever learn at all? And again i'm experiencing this push-and-pull tugging. Should i stay or should i go? What has romance or love or experience have to offer so that i do not turn sour-faced and disgusted by the inadequacies of myself? Yet how is this magic that gives me imaginations and dreams and hopes for a more fufilled pursuit? It gives me something to dream for. Maybe i really should meld into this phlegmatic character. Give me a chance to stick it up to The Man. But every war must be fought with companions. Fighting alone is a weapon for itself, but who's to win it when those you fight are in the ones you love? I want to know what its like, it all seems so alluring. I want to taste liberty at its finest, to write a self-statement of personal will and rebellion. To throw away the tired dogmas of society, and to say i can do it all. I'm sick to the bone of people telling me what i should or shouldn't do, tired of people making my mind up for me and imposing their blind morals on mine, because i know the distinction between moral courage and blind action. And i only have one life to try it all, and only a small window of youth to feel it all. Why not? But why social stigma, why discrimination, why judgement? Why do you advocates of love spread nothing but hatred? And who dares to say he is in the right to judge the other?

3:30 turnout!
drill hall PT
no. 4
drill hall PT.. again
stand by bed
FBO
draw your weapons
the water bucket is gone.
field pack inspection
fast march
and casevac
fire movement
node setup?

1 beer for entertainment
1 beer for toast
17 min!
3 beers and knockout
transported to the outside, laughing all the way
3/4 time
puke
wheres my tiger?
quit fighting!
oh i wanna be alone
rolling and flowing
sleeping but listening
back in the mess
and out
circle.. of death
back to the corner
a very dizzy drive
i stink, and oh my brain!

hangover..

Where do we go from here?

Our Peak Caps Flew

Commissioning was certainly an evening to remember. Yeah, it came with much glamour and revelry. But most importantly, it was a celebration of our achievements, and it forced us to remember our friendships and our efforts, and the efforts of everyone who put it together for all of us.

And what better way to capture the spirit of the day than pictures?

Look around you. Isn't there something wrong with the way the world is? Troubled as they are, they remain a part of life, not the deconstruction of it. They are, in fact, life as we know it. Yet, it just feels like it could be better. Maybe we are aiming the wrong way. But how could it be different, when we are so human.

I like my share of privacy, i indulge in it, but i still think its good to remain semi-open about things. Even if i don't neccessarily want to wear my heart on my sleeve 24/7. I know, i can barely find the words to say, and i struggle to put across the way i want to be understood or remembered for. I write, to express to the unknown stranger, the one that does not judge me by all my predetermined images, who lends a ear to listen, just so to understand or digest the words in their essence, or even to sit quietly and read the heart of another human being, lonely, just like him, lonely among the undecipherable crowds and silent, silent within the unintelligible noise in the background. I write, for me.

And no, i don't think there's anything wrong with thinking abit more than others. It's just a little different.

How i wish this moment would last forever. The past few days have been in many ways so enjoyable, even though many times i just feel like a mindless robot going through the motions of seeking joy to be joyful.

But its a state of drunkenness, almost like flying, and a sense of detachment from the real world which i fantasize about everyday. I need my escape, and i don't want to foresee what i should do in the bleak near future. The only thing that preoccupies my mind is a breaking away from reality, an extension of the pleasure and ignorance that i'm experiencing in these short few days. Because i can't bear to put my weary feet back on the cold, hard ground again.

How long will it last? How long before the high crashes and burns? How long before another bloody hangover?



I've been re-looking at my goals and purpose in life, and trying to figure out the way i live. This time, i know better.

I used to think that friendships were forged to last a lifetime, and there were brief moments when i sincerely believed that it would tide us through the days ahead. Together, we would find life more bearable, easier to get by, just because we found comfort and strength in each others' weaknesses and strength. I did feel that this special bond was unbreakable, and i yielded happiness and a sense of security from our friendship.

But like all things beautiful, it has withered into a pale ghost of our former ties. Today, like how all things seem to end, i feel so utterly disappointed once again; in lost hopes where i placed my surest reliance upon, and a sense of faded joy at our lost companionship.

I feel so dented in all my optimism, for i have been disappointed again and again, seen all my dreams and aspirations crushed underfoot, seen no justice in this world, hurt by the dupe of friendship, the fool of love, and mistakes of myself and the selfishness, pride, hatred and greed of everyone else. Surely life must be more than the failure and disappointment of years? Surely life must be more worthy than letdowns and regrets?

And have i not reason to hate myself? For having taken for granted everything i thought unshakable, for my foolish ignorance, for all my petty misgivings, jealousy for a friend's superiority, and scorn for another's inferiority, have i not reason to blame myself for destroying my own hopes?

I thought we shared a strong friendship, but i was wrong. You let me down, and you turned against me. You made me feel worse than i needed or than i had ever known you at all. At times i wonder if i could have ever salvaged the situation, but all this while i was at the recieving end, and i'm sorry, i'm sorry i pretty much hate you now.



I have an immense hatred for being taken advantage of. It exposes my weaknesses, and every man must deserve his share of pride and dignity.

But apparently, this world is full of injustices, and i am in many ways a manifestation of that quality. We all are, because where there are winners, so there are losers. And life's struggles are sometimes so overbearing and hard to get by.

I hate myself for being weaker. Yes i want to be a winner, yes i want to fight for what i rightly deserve, a place of respect. But everyone else is struggling, not just against life, but against each other. That is why the relationships between us are so weak and breakable.

I've tried to ask myself many times what the purpose of life is, and each time i cannot conclude on a satisfying answer. i get so much influences around me these days; they tell me to seek pleasure, to seek social thrill, to enjoy my senses, to look for recognition, status, looks, fun. To find happiness through wanting and being wanted. I thoroughly absorb it all with pleasure.

Yeah it gets to my head so. But sometimes, i begin to see i don't want to go about being blind. Sometimes i just stop what i'm doing and then begin to see, how fucking stupid is all this? How meaningless is this shit. Sometimes i start to lose direction of what it means to enjoy a person anymore. Sometimes i start to develop a strong disgust for all this superficial shit, because it just doesn't make sense to me.

Am i sick or sane?

I want more than just superficial interaction. I believe in a thing called love. But these days, can love really be trusted anymore?

Just what have i done wrong to bring me to my hands and feet, licking the dust left behind like a wretched dog?

Looking back, maybe all of it only made me feel even more bitter about myself.

Just maybe, it was something i wanted to cut out of my flesh. Just maybe, it was something i wanted to tear out of the faceless void of eternal memory, and rip the remains of the eidetic strains into pieces forever.

Just fuck off. Because i really hate to see it even.